Saying Goodbye

Buster passed away at home at two this morning. My parents and I have been up since then. Dad just got up from a nap, but Mom and I haven't slept yet. The last thing I said to Buster when I kissed him goodnight last night was, "You can fight through it. I know you can. You can." And he couldn't. 

Oh, how I miss that dog. It's hard to project my feelings right now. Limited sleep and my depressed mood have me in a daze. I asked Mom at about 10 this morning if this is a dream. My family can't get over the fact that Buster is gone. We will never be able to kiss, hug, pet, or talk to him again. We will never be able to see his wagging tail or touch his soothing, blonde fur again. My heart hurts. I've never loved anything more than that dog.

Buster was a charmer. It's said that you get the dog you need, not the one you want. I needed a kind heart to get me through elementary, middle, and high school. From him, I learned that no matter how another person is (stubborn, arrogant, etc.), it's possible to treat them with kindness. There were so many times I would come home from school frustrated. Buster was able to break down the barrier of anger that I had and get through to me. He always made me feel wanted and that I was worth it.

My favorite memory of Buster was when Dad and I took him to a reservoir back when we lived in California. Lake Hennessey was its name. Buster was pretty young then, maybe 3 years old. We walked from the truck down to the lake shore and told Buster to jump in. And he did! (This lake was a water source for Napa County, so he wasn't really allowed to swim there. Don't tell.) This was one of his first experiences in the water. Even though he's a lab, he's never liked water. He got nervous when he couldn't touch the bottom. Part of his fear is from a lack of experience. My family says Buster left the swimming up to me ;) After getting him out of the water Dad and I tried fishing. There was so much debris from fallen trees that we kept loosing our lures. We moved on and took Buster for a hike. We walked for hours around the lake on a dirt path. Dad eventually dropped the leash and let Buster walk on his own. He stayed with us the entire rest of the hike. I was so proud of him for doing that. We had mutual trust for each other from that point on. Buster was so filthy that day, too.

I feel a sense of relief now that he's no longer in pain, breathing rapidly, or anxious. It hurt me to see such a wonderful being in distress. I did my best to cover up my sadness with a smile when I looked at him yesterday.

One of my club coaches said it best, "Be strong." (Thanks Arkady.) I move into my dorm on Monday and I'm not anywhere close to being packed. It's important for me to stay on track and celebrate the great life Buster had.

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone. Even if you never got to meet him, I'm sure you heard me talking about him and/or saw pictures of him on Facebook. 

Buster did a lot for our family. Without a doubt, he made the last (20 days shy of) 10 years the most enjoyable of my life. Thank you, Buster.

"Weeks to live"

The vet at the Iowa State University Vet Clinic told my parents yesterday that Buster has only "weeks to live." That kind of news stuns your heart. In the past weeks, I never imagined that these days leading up to my move to college would be my last with him. I've never been more sad in my life.

A well-deserved kiss

Much of Buster's distress is from worrying about not being able to breath. We see this especially when he's put to bed.  He pants while in his crate, probably because he's a little claustrophobic. Our goal is to make him as comfortable as possible. My mom has slept with him in the living room for many nights now. I decided last night that I'd take my turn. Mom has lost sleep and I felt the need to do something meaningful for Buster. I got up and sat with Buster on the floor once or twice (can't remember...my memory is a little foggy) and petted him. I, too, lost sleep, but my selfless act was definitely worth it.

Buster had another appointment at 9am this morning, but my parents cancelled it. The vet was going to take cells from his liver to see if they are cancerous. The thing is the test is accurate only 75% of the time, and we can't starve Buster any longer. That isn't fair to him. Buster is so thin right now that I can see the structure of his skull through his skin. Not only has a lack of food caused this, but the Lasix medication has reduced much of his water weight. His skin isn't plump anymore. His fur is beginning to feel dry and has lost its volume. Also, his stomach was shaved for an ultrasound. Every discomfort adds up. He's in pain, so I'm going to make sure these last 3 days are the best we can possibly have together.

I'm sitting on the floor with him and he has finally fallen asleep. It's possible that he didn't sleep at all last night.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Buster goes to ISU vet school

Since tapering Buster off Prednisone and Lasix, his rapid breathing and hard coughing has returned.

Our vet at the Ames Pet Hospital suggested we visit the Iowa State vet college. She said they have better technology and perhaps more answers than what the Pet Hospital and she have to offer.

Buster has an appointment scheduled at 9am tomorrow. The vets there will perform tests based on his condition.

Buster has been put back on Lasix as of yesterday, and he started Prednisone this morning. My family is remaining optimistic. It is unfortunate that all of this is happening before my big move to college.

Buster just set this head down on my foot and started sleeping. He truly is the best dog in the world.

Birthday Cliche

It's common for someone to say that he/she doesn't feel any older on his/her birthday. It makes since. You are just a few seconds older than when the clock struck at the time making you one year older.

I feel similarly. However, 18 is more than a number. It's a milestone. It's a new way of being.

I'm now legally an adult. My voice can be heard through a vote, which I plan on doing. I can buy cigarettes. (Nah, I'm not doing that anytime soon) I can get a tattoo without parents' permission (Not doing that either.) Heck, I now have less security on my Facebook account.

It's odd to think that at one moment I'm a "minor" and the next I've reached "adulthood". There's some pressure there. But I'm not one to follow the cliche that adults can't do what they love.